Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog post. When I started this blog, I knew that I’d have trouble consistently writing on it, but I’d hoped that I could persevere. I guess I must just accept that I’m extremely forgetful, and I certainly hope that you all don’t mind. Not very many people read my blog anyways. But I felt like my blog was lonely, so I decided to write on it.
It’s kind of ironic that I’m speculating that my blog feels lonely when that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now. Lonely. A little bit lost. Maybe I even feel a little bit forgotten. I’m not really sure. I wrote a post once about how I felt like I wasn’t really fitting in, and it’s still very relevant now. I think that I’m pretty good at pretending that I have a lot of friends and that I have a lot of intimate relationships, but it’s not very true. And sometimes on campus I just feel like I know no one.
This semester has only just begun, but I feel like I’ve realized quite a bit. I think one of the saddest realizations for me has been that I don’t think I can go abroad. Physically I can, but financially and academically it doesn’t quite work out. And I watch my friends and their experience and I want that so very badly. My two best friends are abroad right now and I miss them so much, and I’m so excited for them and happy that they get such an amazing experience. I have absolutely no right to be jealous with the amount of traveling that I’ve done in my lifetime. And I hate to admit it, but I am jealous. So very very jealous. I want that, and I always have. But I know that God doesn’t cheat anyone and I’m trying so hard not to feel cheated. But I’m struggling a bit. So there’s that.
I also just have that same feeling of not belonging to the one thing I’m most passionate about outside of academics – music. Specifically a cappella music, which I started doing when I arrived here. I feel like I have too many friendships that are on a superficial level. And I’m aching for someone to understand me in a deeper way. It feels like something is missing. I think back to the friendships I had in high school and I can’t even tell you how much I miss them. Those two best friends who are abroad? Yea, they’re like my sisters. And I’m feeling that international gap pretty intensely right now. I so badly want to connect with someone the way that I do with them. Just so we’re clear, I’m not saying that I don’t have any friendships that aren’t intimate, but I just really miss those girls.
I really was not expecting to feel this much emotion about this blog. But I guess there are a lot of things that I’ve been realizing and thinking about recently that have weighed pretty heavily on my heart. I think to sum up all these feelings, I’d just have to say that I feel lost. I do have really great friends here, I honestly do. And I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I love you all, so much. Maybe I feel lost because I don’t feel very connected to God right now. And I should. Why don’t I? What am I doing wrong here? I think that this will be a semester of reflection and learning to depend more on God when I feel all these things. I know in my heart that there’s no one better than Him to deal with my problems and fix the brokenness in me. If you all pray, I just ask that you’d pray for me this semester and pray that I’ll really develop that relationship with Him that I’ve been seeking. Because right now I just really feel like I need some healing.
Doing it A cappella 