Dreams

Lately you’ve been popping up in my dreams again. It’s never a dream where we get back together, but one where we’re friends – well, sort of. The first time it happened, I thought it was my hormones getting all out of wack, and I was ready for the tears, but they never came. Instead, there was just an aching. It’s hard to tell if it’s due to my seemingly everlasting hope that someday the timing will be right, or if it’s just me missing the one person that I used to share everything with. Neither one of those feel particularly good, but the former is more bearable (and easier to kill with logic) than the latter.

I wish I could say that time erased my thoughts of you, but I’m a terrible liar, as you know. I can’t honestly think of a day where you haven’t crossed my mind in some way. A familiar song, a random memory, a dream. And with each day forward, I feel like I conquer that ache slightly. I was finally able to listen to Childish Gambino and Jon Bellion. And though that’s certainly a feat, the weight of what’s missing, of you, is palpable.

Even after we parted ways, I’d come to you with a rant about my day, or a triumph, or just the mundane activities of life, knowing that you’d listen. You were one of the only people outside of my classmates that understood the work I was doing – eager to hear and learn. I long for that ease of understanding, and of conversation.

And of course I can’t help but think about whether or not I ever pop into your head. I know that I can’t think about college without coming across a memory of you, and I often hope the same happens to you. But I wonder if you’d know me anymore; if I matter anymore. I’d be lying if I said that I never want to be with you again, because I’d take it all back in a heartbeat. Even more than that, though, I miss my best friend and there’s no getting that back. Maybe one day I’ll find the courage to send you one final letter to permanently close this chapter, but for now I wait – acknowledging these feelings and validating them and then moving forward step-by-step.

Healing

A familiar feeling came and went in waves today. I know sadness all too well, but I don’t want to be its friend anymore, even though each time it comes, I welcome it with open arms. Allowing myself to sit in that space and hurt is so hard. I want to run and escape. Well, truly I want someone to love me so genuinely that everything else disappears. I am relearning to pray for God to send me someone that loves the Lord more than he even loves me. I am learning to put my heart in his hands and allow him to heal it. But, like the song on the radio says, even if he doesn’t, my hope is in him alone.

When those memories come flooding back, and I can feel my heart race and my mind start to crumble, I can look to him. He has done so much good in my life. His plan is sovereign and his ways are good. His grace brought me to Northwestern, and truly gave me a new beginning. A year ago, I was in darkness. I wanted to run away and not be anywhere. I had turned away from Him and believed that nothing could cure me and my hurt. I fell into a dark hole and spent most of my days alone. The future I’d dreamed of had been ripped from under me and I hit the ground – hard. I struggled to stand back up and I stopped believing that I was worthy of love.

I questioned God; I still do. Why me? His answer has come slowly and he continues to walk me through. There’s something better for you; better than a college love; better than New York City; better than what you could’ve dreamed, he says. And while there are still days of doubt, he is right. I could’ve never imagined being at the top school for my career, doing the work of my dreams. I could’ve never imagined that I’d be a master’s student at Northwestern. I could’ve never imagined that I’d have a 4.0 every quarter.

I never imagined this life for myself, but I’m oh so grateful for it. I know there will be days that I stumble and fall, but He will remind me of where I’m going. His love will surround me and make the world disappear. He started something good and I’m gonna believe it/ He started something good and he’s gonna complete it/ So, I’ll celebrate the truth/ His work in me ain’t through/ I’m just unfinished.

Nights

It’s so crazy to me that it’s been two weeks since we talked (well almost, cause I slipped up that one night). I find that it’s hardest during the night to really cope with what’s happened. My mind wanders to you, and all of our memories. As I was laying in bed tonight, trying to fall asleep, all I could think of was that first night we shared together. We watched happy feet together (ironic that that’s also the last movie we watched). We sat close, yet barely touching. My mind was racing trying to decide whether or not I should make a move. I never did; I just sat and watched and made jokes as the movie went along.

At one point I made some joke about you (I truly wish I remembered it), and you laughed and playfully pushed me away while I scoffed. But just as fast as you pushed me, you pulled me in. I giggled and blushed as your arm wrapped around me, drawing us closer together. I could feel the heat radiating from your body, keeping me warm from the breeze seeping in from the window. I was full of nerves; excited ones, nervous ones. My body felt like it was on fire. And we just watched the movie like that. Always laughing about something, with our faces close, but never touching. I wondered if you’d kiss me.

And then the movie ended. I didn’t want you to leave and yet, I’d never spent the night with a guy before. It was something so against my family’s beliefs. But I just didn’t want it to end. So I got bold. As you were packing up your things and getting ready to go, I whispered you don’t have to go, you know. Are you sure I can stay? Yes, I want you to. And you did. We laid on the bed, in all our clothes, with your arm wrapped around me as I laid my head on your chest. My heart was racing. I’d never been so forward before. I mean, I’d kissed a guy first before, but that seems small in comparison. And as I laid there, I could feel your heart beating so quickly. Are you okay? Yea, I’m just happy. I smiled as I buried into you, but only for a moment because you lifted my chin and gave me a sweet kiss and a goodnight, Michaela before we fell asleep.

Our story seemed like a movie – one where we didn’t quite know the ending. And now we know it. And it’s so sad on the one hand, but so beautiful on the other. I loved you so much, and so hard – I still do. I can remember so many details of our memories. Sometimes it even feels like I’m there again, experiencing them. And while I’ve been missing you something fierce, there’s one thing that I know to be true about myself: you could stay away from me for years, decide to call me on the phone one day, or send me a message, and I would not turn you away. I would talk to you like there was no time between us, or distance. Because no matter how far apart we or, or what has happened, I’ve loved you, and care about you, and that will always be true.

I’ve been in this place before, albeit I was hoping not to be here again. But I know that right now this is an open wound. And eventually it will close, but even so it can never fully be erased. On the surface there will be a scar, a reminder of the pain, but also of the incredible personal strength and ability to heal. Underneath, there will be a capsule of memories that we shared. Those won’t ever fade. I can remember memories from my high school relationship so vividly, even now after 6 years. And that wasn’t nearly as long, or as deep, a relationship as you and I have. So, I can assure you that 6 years from today, even if we’re not talking or don’t see each other again, I will remember your face so clearly, and the way your touch and kiss made me feel, and the way you belly-laughed about such silly things. I will remember it all, because I love you. Always and forever.

New York, New York

Have you ever been to a place that just feels right? I think I might have two of those places. One of them is the place I was born and raised, the other is one I want to explore. I think it’s the dream of so many to live in New York – it’s definitely one of my dreams. Don’t get me wrong, I love Chicago, but I just want to experience something new.

I got to visit the city (New York City, that is) in the beginning of June for two weeks. It was such a great experience. Not only did I get to hang out with great friends and experience great food, but I also got a taste of something that left me begging for more. We traveled all over the city – to Manhattan, Brooklyn, the Bronx, the beach – and I loved every second of it. And while I know that I won’t live there just yet (2 years of school to finish!), I can’t wait until I get the chance to.

One of my favorite parts of the city was being there with friends (although the milkshakes and ice cream were quite amazing, too!). I got to see people that I love and spend a lot of time figuring out and deciphering life, even though we’ve by no means figured it out yet. I got to kayak, even though you probably enjoyed only half of it because I freaked out just a bit haha (not my fault, the waves were HUGE!). We went out exploring in Manhattan at night and got to play in a park, be silly and share some of our favorite crazy stories with one another. We went to the beach and tried to make each other laugh while our cheeks were filled with water (fyi, I always spit out the water first), because the water was way too cold to swim in. I stayed up until 5 in the morning just talking about the future. I finally got to taste the blessed milkshakes from Black Tap (seriously, if you live in the city or are visiting, you need to try them) and some amazing tacos from a place I can’t remember. I truly loved every second of being there.

Of course I have fears about living there. I question if my reasons for wanting to go, one of them being you, are wrong. I wonder if the city that I see now will be the one I arrive into. I wonder if my friends will still be there to guide me through. I wonder if the life I’m painting there is a fantasy, or if it will be a reality – if things will work out the way that I want them to. But I also know that I loved being there, and that every place is scary when you’re starting out on your own. In two years time, I hope to be able to embrace all these fears and set out for a new adventure. If all else fails, I’ll always have my sweet home, Chicago to come back to.

Light

There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. For me, tonight, that light was the one that illuminates the halls of Rush Rhees (the library here on campus). It’s beautiful. And as I look at it tonight all the memories of the past four years flood my head. The people I’ve met and the ones I’ve grown to love. All the stress and the hard times that felt like they would break me apart. But that light is always there, bringing me back.

Recently there have been a lot of days and moments that have wittled me down and made me feel like there was no way that I could bounce back again. But if I’ve learned anything it’s that I am resilient. There’s a light that illuminates my path and it’s carrying me through right now. And the people that remind me that I am strong, and beautiful and smart. That I will not break. I am incredibly thankful for them and the way they have propped me up over and over again.

As this year comes to a close, I’m reveling in the hope and strength my friends and family have given me. They are overwhelmingly the light that keeps me going. I hope that I make them proud everyday. Graduation is nearing, but life is just beginning and I am looking forward to the summer and the years to come. Rush Rhees, tonight, you are beautiful and strong. You are me.

Enough

A million and one times over I have questioned myself: am I enough? Will I ever be enough? I suppose that I should be. I know that I want to be. So I pray that God will show me the people who think I am.

As graduation approaches, and I look at grad school programs and decide where I want to be, I find myself struggling to think that I’m good enough to make it. I see the thousands of applicants that apply to these schools who have higher grades, and more research experience and then I look at myself. I’m not a terrible student, but my grades certainly could’ve been better. I don’t have a lot of research experience because it’s not really my thing. So, what makes me special? The answer is honestly, I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter anymore, because I’ve been accepted. By no means is my work here done, but I think that with the craziness of this last semester, I really needed to hear someone say, “I believe in you; You are enough”.

I look back on the past three months of this semester and I wonder if people think I’m enough. I wonder if I’ve made people feel like who they are is enough. I’m not saying that I don’t have a long way to go and a lot of renovations to make along the way, but I am enough. Even when I don’t believe it, I am. I hope and I pray that I make my friends feel like they are enough, because it is a lonely road when you don’t feel worthy. It’s painful and heart-breaking and rough. And I have been there many times, so I hope that I can share that with people and pour out my love for them for my remaining time here. You deserve to be loved unconditionally and without judgement. I deserve unconditional love. I am enough.

Turtle

I am not one to enjoy vulnerability. I am always the one that’s strong. I do not break in front of people and I pride myself in that. But, because of this, I often feel as though I’m trapped in a box. Emotions are private and intense. And there have been a lot of them lately. I feel the stress of finding a future career and housing and building my life. I feel the pain of leaving my best friends behind. I feel the worry of what’s coming next. I feel the joy of graduation and completion. I’m feeling life.

But I’m trying to deal with this all myself. I’m trying to be the strong one. So I busy myself. I dive into schoolwork and After Hours and don’t let myself dwell on all those feelings. And I don’t want you thinking that I’m depressed. Life is full of turmoil, and sometimes it just hits you like a ton of bricks. I know that I will be ok. I just have to keep going. I have an amazing set of friends who are always available for me, and have proven it time and time again.

So, I just have to learn to stop being a turtle. With all my emotions bunched up into my shell, it’s often hard to see all the good that is happening in my life. These next couple months, I will try to embrace my fears and sorrows and worries, and look at all the blessings I have. My grandparents always tell me to finish strong – and that is exactly what I am going to do.

New Year

It seems to be a trend where I perpetually am up late at night, bored, and this blog pops back into my mind. It’s a new year. We wait for 365 days to be able to say that. It’s an exciting time, and many of us make resolutions that we’ll desperately try to keep and fail at some and succeed at others. I didn’t make resolutions this year, simply because I think they’re silly. I should strive to be healthier and do more things year-round just because I can, rather than because I said I would on January 1st. But anyways, this post isn’t really about resolutions.

In just a few days, I will begin my second semester of senior year and the last semester of my undergraduate career. I spend a lot of time reminiscing about the past couple of years (I just aged myself about 50 years right there) and often I wish I could’ve done more. I wish I would’ve joined more clubs and been more involved with the local scene in Rochester. I wish I had kept better contact with those who graduated before me, or friends from freshman year. I wish I could have just a little more time to spend in Rochester, only without all the school stuff.

But, I also know that I don’t want to spend my last semester thinking about all my “missed” opportunities. I still have time to fulfill all these wishes and to create new opportunities for myself. I have a lot planned for this upcoming semester and I’m really excited for it all. It will be busy and crazy and sentimental and fun all at the same time. While it is an exciting time, graduation is also going to come crazy soon! I cannot wait until I can say that I have a plan, but until then, I’ll just be continuing to love my friends deeply, live this semester out to the fullest and focus on giving myself the best future that I can!

Memories

I’m back again. This one’s for my biggest fan (I didn’t even know I had one, haha). My friends tell me that I’m not allowed to talk about graduation. So, for those of them that will read this, I’m sorry. I can’t help but think about how soon it will be. How soon I will be just a floating entity in the world grasping at anything and everything that I can to make my life normal again. But, while all of that is scary and exciting and impending, I think more of all the memories that I have.

I feel as though I often forget how many things I have enjoyed here at Rochester with the people I love. It’s easy for me to feel lonely and to isolate myself. I’d like to think that I’ve gotten better at that and I’m trying so hard to cherish these next couple of months. But for as alone as I can sometimes feel, I’ve realized recently how many amazing memories I share with my best friends here. I want to talk about some of my favorite ones, and I’ve been trying my best to write them down to savor them for as long as possible.

Freshman year was awfully scary. And exciting. And at first very lonely, until I began to just sit out in the lounge. I met some truly amazing people there – ones who will have an everlasting effect on me. On top of these friendships, I made it into the best a cappella group on the campus. I spent most of the fall trying to figure out where I fit, but really enjoyed the Spring. Getting sung into After Hours at nearly midnight, being serenaded in the lounge on Valentine’s day, performing in ICCA’s as a soloist, running around in the rain with a creepy guy watching us from his window. Some days I just want to go back to that place again – the one of newfound passions and renewed ones.

Sophomore year everything gets a little more difficult. You feel the pressure academically and feel more stressed out. But, I loved it all the same. I got to know so many more people. I spent time hanging out late at night watching movies in my friend’s suite and getting to know people that would end up meaning a lot to me. I spent a ton of time in a recording studio to help put out an album for After Hours (seriously, so cool that I get to say that).

Junior year was a toughy. It presented a lot of challenges, and also a lot of love. I learned so much that year. One of my favorite memories is when I got serenaded. You tricked me into believing that you hadn’t planned anything. I love the picture that we have of that moment, because we looked so happy. We welcomed our 6 amazing newbies my junior year and I fell in love with all of them. I’m so so thankful for each and everyone of them. Then three more joined in the Spring and they just filled everything in. I can remember singing them all in and seeing the looks on their faces – exactly how I’d looked and felt about it.

Senior year. A year still in the making, but I already have so many memories on my heart. I love spending late nights in your apartment, Kim. When I feel lonely and isolated, I can just walk down the hall and feel loved. And I love that you drag me out and make me do things – I need that sometimes. I never thought that I’d make it to senior year. The days always seem to drag on and I wish I would’ve paid more attention. You all are helping me pay attention. You give me reasons to pay attention and friendships that last. I love staying up late watching youtube videos about video games and sending each other silly internet images and what not. I love the feeling of closeness I have with all my friends. I love everything.

I know there are so many memories that I can write about, but this post is so long already so I think I’ll end it here. I’m so appreciative of every memory that I have – the painful ones, the happy ones, the stressed out ones, the silly ones – everything. I cherish it all because it’s what makes me. Each memory has an imprint on my heart and an everlasting impression. I’m thankful for every person that has played a part in creating who am I and who I’m becoming. I promise to keep making memories with you all. Thank you for all the ones you’ve given me so far.

Discovery

It has been an incredibly long amount of time since I’ve written a post. And I’m truly sorry; for my blog, for my fans (lol like I really have any) and for myself. Though I haven’t written here in a while, every time that I do, I just feel better. Even those times that I don’t feel better, I feel relief. Like a burden has been lifted from me. So I write today to talk about challenges, joys, sorrows, reflections and discovery.

Senior year is here. And almost halfway over. I feel a tremendous amount of relief knowing that these four years of work will not be for nothing. In just a couple months I will have a diploma in my hands and a plan for graduate school. It seems crazy, thinking about how just a few years ago I was finding my place here at Rochester – unsure of who I’d become or what path I’d take. I can’t tell you with any certainty what I will be or do in the next couple of years. I have a plan, no doubt, but plans change. I can say that I will continue discovering.

One of the greatest joys of college is friendship. I am forever grateful to the people that I have met here. They bring such life to me and to this campus and to my experience here. I’ve discovered so much through them and vice versa. I’ve been challenged by them and struggled with differences, and yet have been loved and learned to love. I’ve created bonds with people in just a few months that are incredibly strong. Some of my most cherished friends are, of course, those that I’ve found through a cappella. I can’t even tell you how sad I get at the thought of not being able to sit around at Pasta & Wine night in a year; and not being able to have impromptu hangouts around campus.

As the year draws closer to it’s end, I’ve discovered how deeply I care about these people and these relationships. And yet, I also feel like I am pushing the reality of graduation as far back in my mind as possible, because I don’t want time to run out. I don’t want to face the reality of such a big change. I don’t want to think about losing people. I’m scared. And I while I can’t wait to see what my future looks like, I’m so comfortable right here, right now. As I watched this semester roll by me, I realized just how close everything is and how easily time moves on. Just how much I love; this campus, this school, these people.

I think one of the biggest discoveries of senior year is how to reconcile these discrepancies. Figuring out how to invest in my relationships more, rather than run away for fear of them ending. Appreciating the present, while still preparing for the future. So, I will do my best to embrace these last couple months of my undergraduate career and pay attention to the little details with those I love. I don’t mean to talk about this as if I will forget everything that happens in college. I know that I won’t. But, this is a reminder to me that life moves quickly and I don’t want to try to outrun it. I can’t. So instead, I’ll embrace it and experience everything fully. To not be scared of loving and loving deeply. To laugh more and stay up late watching silly reality tv shows with my girls. To be me to the fullest and not be ashamed of it. This is getting a little too sappy. The semester isn’t over, yet. So I’ll leave this for now. Thanks for listening to my rambling and random thoughts. I’ll write again soon.